entry three:

You can hit me harder than that:

Well, seeing me here, I am onto spending my time in a better way.                                                So why not writing here? 

On some another time, my brother said something in between that was like "you're glad that you're here, right?" Most of the time in the past, I was very angry about this matter, never blaming him though. I knew that if I was choosing I wouldn't choose this misery. Nowadays it seem to be changed. My mentality is growing I believe. But at the same time I have this growing pain with me, all the time. 

On last 2 days it is clearer, I have to choose the hardship to get better on life. I was never good at pushing myself into things I don't want to; so this is extra stressful to be in. On my last therapy session, my therapist said something like I should give it time. Instead of everyone's perspective: I feel like this is what it is and I can never make it out of here. I am stuck on motionlessness and clogged, under the pressure of the flow. But starting from yesterday: I am wondering how long that I should give. Basically throwing a Hail Mary here.

Worst of anything, I can always be disappointed that even if I tried, I couldn't make it. But I have to start trying first. I have to stop fucking around and actually take myself seriously. I have to stop pitying myself and grow a thicker skin. 

Next time I'll write here, hopefully I will be in a better spot. Doesn't matter that it will be tomorrow or one month later. I waste so much time everyday I am just feeling physically sick thinking about that if I will never change.