pain pt. 2

and when that one time that comes;

I am aware, I am awake.

Every Goddamn minute is-just-not-passing

It all

Ticking and tocking in my head, mercylessly. 

Pain, here you come again.

Will you ever leave me, when I left me maybe?

I am aware of the fact that I can't do it- living thing anymore.

And it's not about escaping anymore, it's about- maybe- just maybe

Getting a relieve. 

"See?"

False hope of this surrounding me.

I am aware of my belief now.

Now I am thinking:

When I do this, the consequenses will be harsher than desicion of my choice.

My choice- my desicion isn't the one what makes everyday harder.

Among all he/she/it who listened me, you pain;

You never dissapointed me with making me pray the God that I barely believed.

God, why future is inevitable!? 

Is there any chance to pause my mind and keep going? Living without this.

Chart of my life, chart of my life, diagrams monologues, pictures and pictures... 

I will neve feel the true happiness, taste happiness. 

I will always look at the deepest reflections of my possible outcomes.

Cause chaotic me- will strike anyway.

Attachments will tie me up and-

my unreasonable excuses will look pathetic on me when I say it.

Pain, I am praying to you now. 

Make me ignorant. 

Someone once said:

"You can be ignorant again, just like you're aware"

I am aware of the fact that 

Pain,

will never let me go. 

Just like either I won't let this misery end with abusing this all over again. 

Maybe there is no big deal-

Maybe this is a crisis. 

Either way, I will end up dying. 

So maybe, the point is:

Which way I want to go? 

What legacy, memory about me I want to leave behind of me?